We started out having drinks first. I ordered wine and he ordered a Bailey’s Irish Cream. I thought that was an um interesting drink but I didn't question it. Then unsolicited, he told me that he had irritable bowel syndrome. Yes I said irritable bowel. On the first date. Hmmm. Nice visual. I reacted in an understanding way and he had to make sure he told me that even though he ordered a sissy drink, it didn't make him any less of a man. Okay, no less of a man but a man without internal filters. Irritable bowel? Really?
On the heels of the irritable bowel disclosure, he asked me if I was hungry. LOL. Well now that I'm picturing you sitting on a toilet pooping like a goose, I'm not really thinking about food but yes, I haven't eaten dinner and I thought that's why we were getting together (sans bowel talk) in the first place. He asked if I liked crab and I said sure! I love crab. Great! He knew of a nice place down the road, sort of a combo restaurant/fish market but they cook everything fresh. The words "seafood market" should have been the tip-off. We drove down the street a short way in our own cars (thank God) and met at there. It seemed that my date knew the owner and he always gets the "family discount". He seemed pretty proud of that fact. In and of itself, not a huge deal but it gets better. Here are a few of the highlights (before the crab dinner).....rubber mats, picnic benches, sawdust, cheap wine.
Okay, I said to myself....just be patient and open minded. While I teeter-tottered in my high heels on the rubber mats, we picked out our crab and he decided to order only one that we could split. He decided that we weren't very hungry afterall and of course if we needed a second crab, that could be decided after we finished the first. [sidebar] Do you know how much crab meat is on one crab??? Lucky for me it came with a side of corn/coleslaw...to split of course. I had some swill they tried to pass off as wine to wash down the "meal" and I can't recall what he had but no doubt, it was something that his bowels could tolerate.
We began eating and talking about something completely superficial. All I could think about was how in the hell did I get here, among the rubber, sawdust, picnic benches and what did I see in this guy to begin with? How could I have misjudged him? And he deciding to take me to a place like this, on a first "date". But it gets better.
As we starting eating the crab…I ate a claw…we were talking...trying to find some common ground.....and I reached for the 2nd claw, not really paying much attention to the crab's body part….when all of a sudden the conversation stopped, he pointed to the 2nd claw and he announced...."HEY, THAT’S MY CLAW, you already had one! Can you believe that this guy is still single??? What a catch! Being the gracious lady that I am, I apologized for such an outrageous offensive act upon HIS claw and chugged my cheap wine, looked at my watch and planned my exit strategy.
As we walked to our cars, he actually asked me how I thought the date went! Really? You want to know? Really, if you have to ask, I think you already know the answer. The date sunk like a White Russian inside of an irritable bowel. Okay, since he asked me, I was more than happy to explain it to him. It wasn't great I said. You’ll be single a long time. For future reference, here's what you do, I said...you ALWAYS give your date the 2nd claw!!…Knucklehead, it could have been a nicer place without the rubber mats, sawdust and picnic benches but if you were an amazing man, those things could be overlooked...but not the claw breach of etiquette. Hey, he asked.
He must have enjoyed the evening and the critique because he said he'd like to see me again. Not in my lifetime.Then still thinking that the date went well, he asked me if he could kiss me goodnight. Um no thank you. I'm going home now where I have the freedom to eat TWO crab claws if I choose. Thank God I drove myself.
Happy entrails to you Clawman.......
